Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Advice about Sex

How do you follow an amazingly successful article about celebrity gossip? Yesterday's entry scored exactly zero pieces of hate mail.

That means that:

1. I did something wrong

2. No one reads anything I write

3. Everyone agrees with everything I said

Right now I'm leaning towards #3.

So to follow that, I will now attempt to answer some of the main questions I remember hearing when people used to talk to me.

Q: What is sex for?

A: Scientists haven't yet found a use for sex. It doesn't seem to do anything positive. It has been known to spread disease--but only among the gay, poor, and minority populations. It causes problems within relationships, and sometimes hurts (it's bad to like it if it hurts).

As far as anyone can tell, it's just bad. Like a drug.

Q: Who should have sex?

A: See above. Essentially no one. But if you're white, Christian, and middle to upper class, it's okay to have it sometimes. Just as long as you don't enjoy it. Again, it's like a drug. And drugs are dangerous except for people who know how to use them. If you don't fit the criteria, the chances are that you don't know how to use this drug in a safe, effective manner.

Q: But if there's such a thing as effective, that implies that it does something, doesn't it?

A: Occasionally, and I mean very occasionally, it makes a magical bird appear with a small animal that shits and pukes all over everything, cries a lot, is very needy, and refuses to clean up after itself for 18 years, at which point, it leaves you scratching your head going, "WTF?"

Q: That sounds terrible!

A; That's not a question.

But yes. It does sound terrible. It may not even be true.

Q: So if it serves no purpose and there's nothing good about it . . . why do I want to have it so much?

A: Because you are probably evil.

Q: But why am I so well equipped for it if I'm not supposed to have it?

A: I'm equipped to rape baby seals. Does that mean I should?

Q: What the fuck . . . ?

A: That's rhetorical. Next question.

Q: How come no one ever told me any of this?

A: Because talking about sex is the gateway drug that leads to actually having sex. It's the same with drugs. If you talk about them, it means you are curious about them and want them. And wanting something is the first step to getting it.

That's why no one should ever talk about sex.

Q: But I thought that talking about drugs, like with your kids, was supposed to help prevent them from getting on drugs to begin with?

A: That's a myth. Just one more government lie. Talking about drugs makes the kids interested in the drugs. You see, if no one knows about drugs, no one wants the drugs. That's how you solve the drug problem in this country. Eliminate demand by eliminating awareness. It's simple economics.

The same concept applies to sex. If you don't know about it, you won't want to have it.

Q: But I already know about sex. Isn't that why we're having this Q/A?

A: If you know about sex, you're a dirty whore.

Q: Does that mean you're a dirty whore?

A: No. It does not.

Q: Okay, let's move on. What about kinky sex that doesn't involve the vagina?

A: The v-word is not appropriate for this conversation, you cunt.

Q: . . . .

A: If you insist, I'll make it clear. Anal sex is bad because it hurts people. Oral sex is bad because you don't know where the other person's mind has been, and you can't go around putting your junk that close to a dirty mind. That's where the diseases come from.

But, if you're not married to the person, it's better to do either than to have full-on sex because you can't get a disease from someone you're not married to. Unless you pound her in the snatch.

Q: So are you saying that until I get married, I should never do anything but anal and oral?

A: Yes. To do the real thing would be evil. But the mere fact that you are thinking these things makes you evil already. So you might as well just hand it out for free (or 10 bucks a creampie if you're feeling entrepreneurial) because you aren't worth anything anyway.

Q: What's your definition of evil?

A: Anything that's different from what I think.

Q: Are you aware that cultural norms have been very different at different times in history, and that sexual practices evolve over time, kind of like people do?

A: All the people from those perverted cultures are dead. Probably because they were perverted.

Q: Could they maybe just be dead because they got old and died?

A: No. That doesn't happen to pure people.

Q: Are you insane?

A: No. I am perfectly representative of normal people all over the world. And if you disagree with me, I will kill you like any good red-blooded American would. Don't fuck with Jesus.

Q: So you're a Christian?

A: Isn't everyone?

Q: Rhetorical. Next Answer.

A: Can you rephrase that in the form of a question?

Q: No. Last answer: Fuck you.

A: Okay, but I'm not married to you, so it will have to be in the ass.


A: And next caller, you're on the air! (where's my oxycontin?)

In the Beginning

There was nothing but RIdiculous, the invisible aluminum squirrel. Being a squirrel, Ridiculous had a disproportionately large nutsack, and Ridiculous desired a mate.

But since there was nothing, Ridiculous imagined an enormous acorn because food is usually the first thing a guy thinks about when there's no one around to have sex with. Well food and porn. But Ridiculous had not yet invented porn, so food was the priority.

And lo, the acorn appeared.

And Ridiculous ate it.

And he was fed.

-Book of Squirrel

Monday, June 22, 2009

Things I want to know #3

What does bald eagle taste like?

I think it's time to try my hand

at being a gossip columnist. At first blush you might think this is difficult because I live in the middle of nowhere in Minnesota, and I have never met anyone who even comes close to celebrity status.

But I see these things as positive. Having no actual knowledge of anything that's happening in the lives of real people, I am simply that much more free to make shit up.

So today's top story: Celebrity Skanks are Wild Women Except when they're Not.

The real reason that every cute little starlet in Hollywood ends up a drunk, coke-addled, cockslut has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that our society feeds on this type of behavior, their parents are sociopathic attention-hounds, or that they have too much money to spend in 3 lifetimes and drugs and booze are a good way of getting rid of any excess cash that might be floating around.

No. It has nothing to do with any of that. The real reason this happens is that as soon as a young attractive girl becomes world-famous for being essentially nothing but young and attractive, she is immediately kidnapped by 32.7 space aliens dressed as Elvis (young Elvis, not fat old gross Elvis) and force-fed enough cocaine to addict the entire state of Oregon, taught how to fuck like a bunny, and given a lobotomo-facial procedure that permanently warps her perception of reality in such a way that she is conditioned to believe that anyone at all gives 2 flying razorfucks about her.

Wait. That can't be true. That's what you're thinking. I can tell even from all the way over here. And you may have a point. Maybe that doesn't happen at all. Maybe what happens is that every time a young attractive girl shows up in Hollywood that some old guy thinks he can make a buck off of, we--all of us, yes you too--are all immediately kidnapped by 32.7 space aliens dressed as Elvis (young Elvis, not fat old gross Elvis) and force-fed enough cocaine to addict the entire state of Oregon, taught how to fuck like a bunny, and given a lobotomo-facial procedure that permanently warps our perception of reality in such a way that we are conditioned to believe that anyone at all gives 2 flying razorfucks about her.

These people pretty much suck at everything, and we love them for it. They are the drugs that we inject to make us feel a little better about our miserable little lives, and when we're done, using them like the whores they love to be, we litter the streets with their used up little husks and then we feel even better because we're not trashy like that.

That's about the same as eating a donut and feeling good about not being the box it came in. Or fucking your boss for 20 bucks and feeling good about not being the used condom that's left over. It doesn't make any sense at all, but hey, when your a horrible, miserable, pathetic, worthless human being any little thing you can think to make yourself feel better will do, right?

Don't get me wrong. I don't want you to walk away from this and think I'm showing any sympathy for people like Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus or even Courtney Love. No. No sympathy at all. They decided to be whores, and that's their choice. But part of being a whore is getting fucked a lot. That's what they pay you for.

I don't even really have a problem with prostitution. It's a free market. At least, it should be. No. My problem is that we've been led to think that these people at some point actually had any value at all, other than providing us with our little fix, our mental orgasm that we have anytime any stupid hot chick does anything stupid or hot.

They are not the ones with serious problems; we are. The guy who gets a 10$ hand job isn't the one with the problem; the girl (or what the hell, maybe it's a guy) giving it to him isn't the one with the problem. The one with the problem is the psycho freak jacking off watching the hand job telling them both that they have serious problems.

We're that psycho-freak.

And that's today's celebrity gossip.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Is Steve Jobs a dickhead?

He had a liver transplant and failed to tell the world about it. It this a cover-up? Is Apple trying to hide the facts from shareholders?

No. Steve Jobs is not a dickhead. And Apple is not irresponsible.

Steve Jobs just sucks at blogging. As far as I know the guy doesn't even have a blog. Maybe he does. But if he does, he sucks at marketing it. Every once in a while he responds to an outraged switcher with a curt email that basically says, "Calm the fuck down, bitch."

If he wants to be successful in life, he's got to learn how to market himself. Maybe he should've stayed in school. Then he would be cool. But look at him now. He dropped out of college and what's happened to him? He got a freakish protein imbalance and had to have a liver transplant.

But no. He had to go off and do things his own way. My invisible aluminum squirrel told me that the reason he was fired from Apple to begin with is because he didn't finish school. How can you have great ideas if you can't finish what you start?

Oh, also, there's this: shareholders don't have any right to personal medical information. Period. End of story. I'll even argue this: releasing personal information about the state of Jobs' health would be detrimental to the interests of both the company and the shareholders. It would cause the market to speculate about the future of the company while stock sharks and day-traders played hell with the company's stock price.

Whereas, if everyone keeps quiet about Mr. Jobs health, he either recovers (which is what we all hope), or he dies (which no one hopes for, unless you are a complete dickhead). In which case, the stock price falls for a day or two and then people realize that Apple will still be around for a long time.

The real reason for this discussion is that critics of Apple are convinced that the only reason anyone would ever buy a mac is because that person is completely and totally in a bromance with the RDF (reality distortion field for you n00bs out there).

I wish Mr. Jobs the best. Any major organ transplant is a huge ordeal to go through. I don't say this as a fan of Apple or Jobs or anything else but a fan of human beings overcoming difficult medical problems.

Good luck, Mr. Jobs.

Upgraded Ridicule

If I get enough followers for my new church, I will upgrade my pet invisible aluminum squirrel to platinum.

I taught Stephen Colbert everything he knows about Ridiculous.

I've never met Stephen Colbert.

If I ever met Stephen Colbert, he would immediately bow down and worship my squirrel. Unlike that liberal pansy-snatch, Jon Stuart.

Life in Bemidji

Northern Minnesota is a very strange place. Like much of the midwest, nothing really makes any sense. I'm originally from Texas, and my guess is that peeps from the midwest don't think we make any sense either.

After all, Texas has given the world GWB 41 and 43 (actually, we can thank the great state of Connecticut for both of them fucking transplants), Rick Fairy (brought to us by perfecthair.com--not based in TX, or reality), white guys who think they have dicks the size of black guys (brought to you by Eminem), and oil (brought to you by Saudi Arabia).

My point is that all of the stuff that the rest of the world hates about Texas was imported from foreign states. Yes, that includes the guns, and I happen to like them, but they aren't made in Texas.

It reminds me of when I lived in NYC for a while. The actual people who grew up in NYC are pretty okay, except for the crazies that live on the upper east side. All the real jerkweeds are imported.

The problem with the midwest is boredom, not imports. All the crazy, non-sensical bs is homegrown, home-fertilized, and home-brewed. (though I like the homebrew). I blame the winters here. And the boredom.

But I also blame the people. There is, in fact, internet. There is a library. There is even a University. But once people run out of things to do, they start electing batshit-crazy politicians.

Wait. Texas does that too. Never mind.

My point is no longer that the midwest is screwed up. America is pretty much one giant collective cow-tipping redneck. It's just that some of the ones in the big cities on the coasts are more neurotic than the rest of us.

Things I want to know #2

If a tree falls in the forest, does it know the sound of one hand clapping?

Daily Definition

Isomorphism: n. The most efficient word in the English language. It means, "You're a fucktard if you don't know what this word means. I'm smarter than you are, clown-rapist."

Sunday Afternoons

There is nothing in the world as lonely

As a lonesome Sunday afternoon
We keep busy with people we call family

But they are really just
A convenient distraction
That we use

To pretend that we aren’t alone

On a Sunday afternoon
I am alone, not today
But on many days named

Oh, that was today
And I was alone
One day, all Christians will
Wear necklaces made of
Tiny guns

And Atheists will wear
Little crosses
And when we all come full
Circle, and the madness of belief
Hits us we will
Continue to ignore
What we know to be True
And stay with what we know is

And we will always be lonely
On Sunday afternoons

My invisible aluminum pet squirrel named Ridiculous

Yes. I have a pet squirrel that also happens to be invisible and made of aluminum and named Ridiculous.

You should be concerned about this only because he (the squirrel) is the supreme ruler of the universe. He's like God but different. He really only cares about acorns. I'm in the process of writing his teaching down in the Book of Squirrel. Will post as revelations progress.

In the mean time, enjoy my attempts at crafting the most random thought that's ever existed anywhere ever. If I actually think I accomplish this, I will never publish it here because it will then be connected to me and this blog and therefore not be truly random.