Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Advice about Sex

How do you follow an amazingly successful article about celebrity gossip? Yesterday's entry scored exactly zero pieces of hate mail.

That means that:

1. I did something wrong

2. No one reads anything I write

3. Everyone agrees with everything I said

Right now I'm leaning towards #3.

So to follow that, I will now attempt to answer some of the main questions I remember hearing when people used to talk to me.

Q: What is sex for?

A: Scientists haven't yet found a use for sex. It doesn't seem to do anything positive. It has been known to spread disease--but only among the gay, poor, and minority populations. It causes problems within relationships, and sometimes hurts (it's bad to like it if it hurts).

As far as anyone can tell, it's just bad. Like a drug.

Q: Who should have sex?

A: See above. Essentially no one. But if you're white, Christian, and middle to upper class, it's okay to have it sometimes. Just as long as you don't enjoy it. Again, it's like a drug. And drugs are dangerous except for people who know how to use them. If you don't fit the criteria, the chances are that you don't know how to use this drug in a safe, effective manner.

Q: But if there's such a thing as effective, that implies that it does something, doesn't it?

A: Occasionally, and I mean very occasionally, it makes a magical bird appear with a small animal that shits and pukes all over everything, cries a lot, is very needy, and refuses to clean up after itself for 18 years, at which point, it leaves you scratching your head going, "WTF?"

Q: That sounds terrible!

A; That's not a question.

But yes. It does sound terrible. It may not even be true.

Q: So if it serves no purpose and there's nothing good about it . . . why do I want to have it so much?

A: Because you are probably evil.

Q: But why am I so well equipped for it if I'm not supposed to have it?

A: I'm equipped to rape baby seals. Does that mean I should?

Q: What the fuck . . . ?

A: That's rhetorical. Next question.

Q: How come no one ever told me any of this?

A: Because talking about sex is the gateway drug that leads to actually having sex. It's the same with drugs. If you talk about them, it means you are curious about them and want them. And wanting something is the first step to getting it.

That's why no one should ever talk about sex.

Q: But I thought that talking about drugs, like with your kids, was supposed to help prevent them from getting on drugs to begin with?

A: That's a myth. Just one more government lie. Talking about drugs makes the kids interested in the drugs. You see, if no one knows about drugs, no one wants the drugs. That's how you solve the drug problem in this country. Eliminate demand by eliminating awareness. It's simple economics.

The same concept applies to sex. If you don't know about it, you won't want to have it.

Q: But I already know about sex. Isn't that why we're having this Q/A?

A: If you know about sex, you're a dirty whore.

Q: Does that mean you're a dirty whore?

A: No. It does not.

Q: Okay, let's move on. What about kinky sex that doesn't involve the vagina?

A: The v-word is not appropriate for this conversation, you cunt.

Q: . . . .

A: If you insist, I'll make it clear. Anal sex is bad because it hurts people. Oral sex is bad because you don't know where the other person's mind has been, and you can't go around putting your junk that close to a dirty mind. That's where the diseases come from.

But, if you're not married to the person, it's better to do either than to have full-on sex because you can't get a disease from someone you're not married to. Unless you pound her in the snatch.

Q: So are you saying that until I get married, I should never do anything but anal and oral?

A: Yes. To do the real thing would be evil. But the mere fact that you are thinking these things makes you evil already. So you might as well just hand it out for free (or 10 bucks a creampie if you're feeling entrepreneurial) because you aren't worth anything anyway.

Q: What's your definition of evil?

A: Anything that's different from what I think.

Q: Are you aware that cultural norms have been very different at different times in history, and that sexual practices evolve over time, kind of like people do?

A: All the people from those perverted cultures are dead. Probably because they were perverted.

Q: Could they maybe just be dead because they got old and died?

A: No. That doesn't happen to pure people.

Q: Are you insane?

A: No. I am perfectly representative of normal people all over the world. And if you disagree with me, I will kill you like any good red-blooded American would. Don't fuck with Jesus.

Q: So you're a Christian?

A: Isn't everyone?

Q: Rhetorical. Next Answer.

A: Can you rephrase that in the form of a question?

Q: No. Last answer: Fuck you.

A: Okay, but I'm not married to you, so it will have to be in the ass.


A: And next caller, you're on the air! (where's my oxycontin?)

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