Friday, April 08, 2011

Fake Michele Bachmann

How to Solve the Economic, Social, and Criminal Problems Troubling the U.S. in Two Easy Steps

1. Find everyone over the age of 21 who has a reported income under $25,000 per year.

2. Execute them.

This may sound a little harsh at first because there are currently a lot of these people around. But after the initial purge, it wouldn't seem so drastic because there would only be a few every year after that.

There are several items that would immediately be solved.

This would essentially allow government agencies to balance their budgets over night. Almost all social programs could be eliminated from the budget because there would no longer be anyone who needed them.

As a side benefit, all the people employed by the government to administrate these programs would suddenly be out of a job, so selling this plan to the public would be much easier if we focused on the fact that a bunch of government workers were all going to be executed too.

Already, two major issues have been addressed: the U.S. budget, and general discontent that Americans have with their government goes away.

It is well-known that almost all violent crimes are perpetrated by people who fit these criteria. By eliminating them from society, virtually all violent crimes will be eliminated. Interestingly, it would eliminate drug issues as well. The people who make boat-loads of money from organized crime, drugs, and every other revenue source do not report their earnings, so they would, by default, also be taken care of.

Think about it. Violent Crime. Gone.

Medicare/Medicaid would suddenly be a non-issue because the elderly who need it wouldn't be around complaining about it. More budget improvements.

Education in the U.S. has been awful for a couple of decades. This plan affects education in a few key ways.

A substantial number of people who have been so poorly served by decades of permissiveness and substandard education are relieved of the burden of being so badly intellectually outmatched by pretty much the entire rest of the world. Except for some places where they have no education. And even those places have common sense, which we have educated out of people since about 1960.

This plan removes highly uneducated people from being in positions where they can pass on their lack of education to other people or their children. Speaking of the children, someone is bound to ask, What about them? Well, studies have shown that children who grow up as wards of their respective states tend themselves to become people who rely on social programs for subsistence. We would have to include them in the plan as well.

It is interesting to note that this plan includes a large number of teachers in the selection criteria. These teachers are known to be the root cause of our education problems. Having been poorly educated to begin with, they are incapable of educating the students they teach. We basically need to start over from scratch, and this is the most efficient way to do it.

The final impact on education is that our children will be motivated to learn. In our current system, we say to our kids, "You better learn those maths there, Timmy. Or you might have to do nothing and live for free on the government teet." How much motivation is that? Under the Romney-Pelosi Bi-partisan General Population Readjustment Plan Act, we can go to our children in the schools and say, "Timmy, I know you're only 8, but if you don't get your scores up in those mathy-type questions, you're not going be able to get hired by a good company and make at least 25 grand by the time you're 21.

And we're going to kill you."

That, my fiends, is motivation. We won't be second in the the world in our math ability for long.

So there you go. Education. Done.

Most of these people a so completely uneducated that they can't even fathom where their deep sense of existential futility comes from. Removing them from society reduces 79% of all persistently depressed human beings in our country. In general, we will be a happier people, and a happier place to be. This also good because more psychiatrists will be out of work. We don't need "ologies" in the world. We need more God in the world.

Finally, the parts of this bill that affect me personally. This bill's affects on the world of politics.

The world of politics is an ugly place. Mostly because of all the fringe groups and undecided groups and groups of extremists on the liberal side and extremists like that guy who keeps on showing up at my debates that no one knows who he is. Most of these kind of people don't make very much money, so they won't be a part of the political formula any more. So our campaigns can be about real issues instead of issues that only non-contributing members of society care about. This is a huge win for America. Our debates can be about things that matter to every American. Things like God. And what's the best way for all of us to make more money.

In closing, I just want to say that the Romney-Pelosi Bi-partisan General Population Readjustment Plan Act has my full, undivided, qualified support!

~fake Michele Bachmann