A Very Incomplete List of Things That Make Me Say Fuck

Labor Day. Who the fuck celebrates labor by taking a day off?

People who have sex changes so that they can be homosexuals. WTF? You're a guy, and you dig chicks. Now you want to be a girl who digs chicks? I don't get it.

Near Beer. WTF? Cheap crappy beer sucks. Why in the name of Vishnu's 6th arm would you want to drink crappy beer with no alcohol in it?

Michael Bay. Do I really need to explain this? Stanley Kubrick didn't get an oscar until after he died, and that was a cheap lifetime achievement award. Transformers 2 is making more money than God's cock. Fuck. Our society is screwed. (Full disclosure: I actually saw Transformers 2 in a theater. Oh, the power of love.)

Hobby Gardeners: really? You are going to grow 3 plants and call it a garden? Let me guess: you are an environmentalist. Fuck.

Dell. Fuck you, Dell. You ruined an entire market, you filthy piece of fuck.

People with summer houses in Bemidji, MN. Just because you are handicrapped doesn't mean you have to drive like it. Fuck.

Composers. Again, need I explain? Perhaps I do. It works like this: you sucked as a performer, but you like music. Ergo, composer! 30 years ago, you would've gone into theory or musicology. Now it's composition. You are what violists were 200 years ago. And now. You spew a disgusting stream of compositional shit onto a page of staff paper and call it art. Fuck you.

People who believe in God. I really don't need to explain this. Fuck.

Kids. See above.

Running or any other physical activity that doesn't involve fucking.