I think it's time to try my hand

at being a gossip columnist. At first blush you might think this is difficult because I live in the middle of nowhere in Minnesota, and I have never met anyone who even comes close to celebrity status.

But I see these things as positive. Having no actual knowledge of anything that's happening in the lives of real people, I am simply that much more free to make shit up.

So today's top story: Celebrity Skanks are Wild Women Except when they're Not.

The real reason that every cute little starlet in Hollywood ends up a drunk, coke-addled, cockslut has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that our society feeds on this type of behavior, their parents are sociopathic attention-hounds, or that they have too much money to spend in 3 lifetimes and drugs and booze are a good way of getting rid of any excess cash that might be floating around.

No. It has nothing to do with any of that. The real reason this happens is that as soon as a young attractive girl becomes world-famous for being essentially nothing but young and attractive, she is immediately kidnapped by 32.7 space aliens dressed as Elvis (young Elvis, not fat old gross Elvis) and force-fed enough cocaine to addict the entire state of Oregon, taught how to fuck like a bunny, and given a lobotomo-facial procedure that permanently warps her perception of reality in such a way that she is conditioned to believe that anyone at all gives 2 flying razorfucks about her.

Wait. That can't be true. That's what you're thinking. I can tell even from all the way over here. And you may have a point. Maybe that doesn't happen at all. Maybe what happens is that every time a young attractive girl shows up in Hollywood that some old guy thinks he can make a buck off of, we--all of us, yes you too--are all immediately kidnapped by 32.7 space aliens dressed as Elvis (young Elvis, not fat old gross Elvis) and force-fed enough cocaine to addict the entire state of Oregon, taught how to fuck like a bunny, and given a lobotomo-facial procedure that permanently warps our perception of reality in such a way that we are conditioned to believe that anyone at all gives 2 flying razorfucks about her.

These people pretty much suck at everything, and we love them for it. They are the drugs that we inject to make us feel a little better about our miserable little lives, and when we're done, using them like the whores they love to be, we litter the streets with their used up little husks and then we feel even better because we're not trashy like that.

That's about the same as eating a donut and feeling good about not being the box it came in. Or fucking your boss for 20 bucks and feeling good about not being the used condom that's left over. It doesn't make any sense at all, but hey, when your a horrible, miserable, pathetic, worthless human being any little thing you can think to make yourself feel better will do, right?

Don't get me wrong. I don't want you to walk away from this and think I'm showing any sympathy for people like Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus or even Courtney Love. No. No sympathy at all. They decided to be whores, and that's their choice. But part of being a whore is getting fucked a lot. That's what they pay you for.

I don't even really have a problem with prostitution. It's a free market. At least, it should be. No. My problem is that we've been led to think that these people at some point actually had any value at all, other than providing us with our little fix, our mental orgasm that we have anytime any stupid hot chick does anything stupid or hot.

They are not the ones with serious problems; we are. The guy who gets a 10$ hand job isn't the one with the problem; the girl (or what the hell, maybe it's a guy) giving it to him isn't the one with the problem. The one with the problem is the psycho freak jacking off watching the hand job telling them both that they have serious problems.

We're that psycho-freak.

And that's today's celebrity gossip.